I dontdo sexy cheap lingerie online well. My best attempt usually comes in the form of a half-joke after myhusband, Jack, says something innocuous. Him: Did you charge your phone? Me:Oh baby, Ill charge anything you want. Or, him: We need lightbulbs. Me: Ohbaby, you can handle my bulbs, anytime. Then Jack laughs/rolls his eyes/pointsout the defense mechanism that is making a joke of intimacy, and we get back towhatever we were doing. The one time when I asked — sincerely — that he talkdirty to me, I caught Jack so off-guard that he recited a poem by the 18thcentury Scottish poet Robert Burns, about what it means to be a man. Oddlyenough, it was sort of a turn-on.
I tried seduction the old-fashioned way: I once cooked a meal wearingan apron and high heels and nothingelse. But when Jack came home from work and saw me standing over my casserole,he laughed hard enough for me to get angry, until I gave in and joined him.Laughter has always been our go-to aphrodisiac.
So you can see how I might not bethe best tester of edible underwear. Normally, Id have too little confidencein my sex appeal and too big a blush-reflex. But in thespirit of the season, I decided to give it the old college try. Maybe this willbe the thing that lessens the levity, I figured, and turns me into the bedroom goddessIve always secretly wanted to be. But first, like any good goddess in training,I did my research.
Edible underwear was invented in1975 by two young entrepreneurs from Chicago, David Sanderson and Lee Brady.They called their product Candypants, and made about $150,000 a month inprofit. Almost immediately, the garment became arguably the most divisivenovelty item in American history. Al Goldsten, who would later credit with bringing hardcore pornographyinto the mainstream, incorporated Candypants into his First Amendment defensewhen his dirty magazine landedhim with obscenity charges. Meanwhile, on the , the Polish-American novelist JerzyKosinski called edible underwear the essence of American freedom. But acharacter in this same authors best-selling book questions its efficacy:
Today, the offerings may haveexpanded (beef jerky briefs!), but the same questions persist, and the productis no less controversial — at least not when lingerie shops in Louisiana areaccepting food stamps in exchange for tasty unmentionables, and women on socialmedia are selling licorice thongs only worn once.
And yet, food and sex are intertwinedfor a reason. Eating and mating are primordial urges. And both release everyonesfavorite pleasure hormone, dopamine. Its the reason the language gets so blurry.Orgasms become delicious and meals orgasmic. Food makes us horny. Sexmakes us hungry. Its all very scientific.
So — in the cheap lingerie online name of science and a sexlife more serious — I looked up the website for the nearest sex shop (excuseme, romance boutique) and saw vibrating panties, crotchless cage-backpanties, and something called shock therapy pleasure panties (commence theblushing), but nothing of the edible variety.